Slave vs Submissive

Originally posted on November 18, 2007. Retrieved from Way Back Machine archives.

Recently, I was asked a question about my Master. I tried to explain that He wasn't my Master, ours is a Dominant/submissive relationship not a Master/slave relationship. It occurred to me that many people (both those in the lifestyle, and especially those who are not) do not differentiate between the two. Yet, I recognize a big difference. He has told me, "you are not a slave, you are my pet." I never considered myself a slave, that is not a desire for me. I have however, completely surrendered to Him in my submission. I believe I no longer hold any limits regarding which requests of His I would acquiesce to. I began thinking about the similarities and the differences and how people define themselves. Before I get into my thoughts on this, I want to emphasize that these are only my thoughts, many definitions are available, but that is not what I am trying to provide here.

My submission satisfies a need that is inside me. My need to surrender my body, my mind, and my will to another. This need could not be satisfied by just anyone. He has put great effort into dominating me. He has explored my mind, my thoughts, my needs and He has exerted His control over me accordingly. He has led me to want to submit, that desire has become a need to surrender to Him. This journey has been much more psychological than physical. He knows me, His knowledge of me sometimes exceeds my knowledge of myself. He recognizes my needs and my desires, He pushes my limits and plants seeds of thought in my mind. As I consider those thoughts, they become desires, they become possible. I am not His slave, I am not owned. Every interaction we have is a choice for me. I choose if I will submit to His control, follow His lead, allow His use. My choice has always been to submit to Him. I cannot imagine withdrawing my submission, but it is always a option. My submission originates out of strength and control, I am strong enough to control my own actions and will. By mastering that control, I can give myself, body and mind, to Him. What does that mean in my D/s relationship? I suppose it means that I am my own master, and by being so, I can surrender to His dominance. My submission is not a gift that I give to Him, it is a need that He meets for me. It allows me the freedom of choosing to relinquish my control in one area of my life. My obedience is not a result of fear. It is a result of my desire to please Him. He does not own me, but I belong to Him.

I have read many posts and articles on the aspects of being a slave. Some sound very much like my role as a submissive, others describe a role that is completely without choice. The majority seem to be completely under someones control, they may be be controlled in every way. Their Master may dictate the food they eat, where and when they sleep, even when they may use the bathroom. They have also surrendered, but not out of strength, their surrender is born out of powerlessness. Their will has been usurped. I am not implying that theirs is not a consensual relationship. They have consented to this control, but beyond that, they have been broken, in order to remove any desire to choose. Often, they do not even have the choice to end the relationship, they must rely on their Master to tell them when and if their life will ever be their own again. They may face punishment or retribution if they do not perform and obey to their Master's specifications. Their submission is based on avoidance of reprisal and chastisement. They are owned. This may also meet a need in a slave. She may find the situation freeing. She has no choice, no will. Everything, even her daily needs are dictated to her. She is free from any decision making. Her only role is to serve her Master.

Cyberian at The Common Sense-ual Dominant has written a couple of posts on the contrasts between the slave and the submissive. He does an excellent job in defining the differences. In the first post What is a Woman? he uses song lyrics to demonstrate the difference:

“Born a Woman”
It makes no difference if you're rich or poor
Or if you're smart or dumb ....
A woman's place in this old world
Is under some man's thumb
And if you're born a woman
You're born to be hurt
You're born to be stepped on, lied to, cheated on
And treated like dirt
Ah if you're born a woman
You're born to be hurt
A woman's lot is to give and give
And go on giving
A woman's got to love and lose
And go on living
Well I was born a woman
I didn't have no say
And when my man finally comes home
He makes me glad it happened that way
Because to be his woman
No price is too great to pay
Yes I was born a woman
I'm glad it happened that way ...

Bet you didn’t see that ending coming, did you? I can’t think of a more concise definition than that for the title of “slave”. But a “slave” is not the same as a “submissive”. While you read the lyrics to Reddy’s anthem, you’ll note her anti-slavery tone. But read between the lines and you’ll realize that there’s nothing incompatible here with the character of a submissive.

“I Am Woman” (excerpt)
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman

In his post Bend vs Break he writes: Now, some people in this lifestyle feel that Master, slave, Dominant, submissive, are just labels that mean little to one who is living the lifestyle. And Newbies tend to use the terms 'slave' and 'submissive' interchangeably, but this does a disservice to people who identify with one or the other. And most of the people who are looking for partners on this site are very clear about who they are, even if they mix up the terminology: 'I may be a slave, but I'm not going to jump at your every command!' "Independent slave" is an oxymoron! You're a sub, girl.

The difference is found in the will. The training from a Master breaks the will of his slave, whereas a Dominant bends the will of his sub.

I will admit, that there are varying degrees of control over both submissives and slaves, depending on each individual relationship. I have taken a look at the extreme. The important thing for either is whether the relationship meets the needs of both parties involved and whether the relationship is consensual.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality, the touchstone, my command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically, but as a woman, oh God, as a woman, I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
~ Anais Nin