Monday, December 1, 2008


Originally posted on January 2, 2008. Retrieved from the Way Back Machine archive on December 1, 2008.

With my ass now red and burning, He tells me to stand before Him and to undress Him. I want Him more than ever, I want to serve Him, I want to have His cock in my mouth. He instructs me to turn around and He cuffs my hands behind me, then as I am standing before Him, He ties rope around my breasts, binding them and places clamps on both my nipples. After giving the clamps a quick tug, He retrieves the flogger from His bag. The rope is tied tightly around each breast and is also cinched up around my neck, lifting my breasts upwards. He takes the chain that is attached to the nipple clamps and places it in my mouth, stretching my nipples, instructing me not to drop it.

I hold the chain tightly in my teeth, careful not to let go. As He begins to strike my breasts, I raise my head more, increasing the tension on the clamps. His strokes are steady, each lash landing with a combined thud and sting, as the ends of the tails contact my breasts and strained nipples. Although my face is turned up, my eyes are cast down. The bondage, the position, the sound and sensation of the flogger all work together to bring my mind and my will to the place of surrender. My surrender of self, I am His, I exist for His use and His diversion. While my flagellation deepens my surrender, it also awakens me. Each stroke increases the pain, but also my pleasure. I relish the pain as it mixes with ecstacy, every lash sends a jolt through my cunt. My wrists pull hard at the cuffs, my body writhes under the assault, but my lust and yearning increase with the blows. I feel my wetness flow between my legs, I am electrified and alive. I step back and my shoulders round in to retreat, but at the same time I want more. The joining of pleasure and pain, the juxtaposition of my senses and sensablilities, has aroused and excited me. I feel so alive, so turned on, I want Him! I want Him to use me to sate His desires.

My breasts are taut from the bindings and red from His lashes. He directs me in front of the mirror. He tells me; Look at yourself, bound and clamped. I want you to see how beautiful you are. He removes the chain from my teeth and cupping my breasts in His hands, He unclamps my nipples. I gasp at the burn of the blood rushing back.

I am His possession, His toy, His pet. I am beautiful, because He tells me that I am. I am His canvas, His medium, to create and form as He envisions.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

needing you

Originally posted on December 22, 2007. Retrieved from the Way Back Machine archive on December 1, 2008.

I am waiting for you at the door. I am wearing a man's white dress shirt, heels, and nothing else. It has been way too long since we have been together, since I have been able to touch you and taste you and feel your hand across my ass. You pull me close to you and kiss me hard and deep. I suck your tongue into my mouth, I bite at your lip, I need you badly. "What do you need pet?" you ask. My answer is begging, "I need you, I need you to whip me, I want to feel your hand across my ass. I want you to use your belt and the whip. I need your marks on me, I want see the welts and bruises. I need your discipline. You don't know how much I need that from you, please." You smile as you reach behind me and grab my ass, squeezing and pinching, before you lead me upstairs.

In the bedroom, you sit on the edge of the bed, I lay across your lap and you begin to caress and rub my ass. I relax into you, wanting you and needing you, my cunt is wet and hot, anticipating what you are about to give me. I am trying not to be impatient, but I have been waiting months to feel the slap of your hand across my ass. Each day that went by, increased my need, each day made me want it harder and longer, more severe. You are teasing me, but you know what I need, you know what I want. You will not disappoint me, you begin to spank me, not slowly with a warm-up, but hard and intense from the start. It makes me gasp and cry out, but I do not even consider asking you to stop, this is just the beginning, I need so much more from you. You continue, not easing up and not slowing down, the pain and the red heat on my ass are both increasing. I begin to squirm, but with your hand on my waist, you pull me close and tight to secure me. I have lost count of the strokes, I am beginning to wonder if I asked for too much. The pain is intense, but so is my desire, my cunt is hot and wet, I want you to fuck me, but I know you are not even halfway done with the discipline I begged you for. As the strokes begin to slow and you pause to rub my ass, I feel the stinging red glow and think about what is still ahead. You slide me off of your lap and tell me to lay across the bed, you have placed a pillow there, to elevate my ass. After I am in the position, I hear the whoosh of your belt being pulled from the loops. The sound makes me shiver in anticipation. You are behind me, but I hear the belt cut through the air, I tense and feel it land across my ass. The pain is intense, but I want it, I feel charged and alive and very turned on. You give me another dozen strokes with your belt, it is almost too much, I scream into the bed, but I do not ask you to stop.

When you are finished with the belt, you tell me to turn over and hang my head off the edge of the bed. I get into this position and you reach down to touch my cunt and tell me to spread my legs wide. You tell me how wet I am, that you think my clit needs some attention as well, but you want me to suck your cock and not to stop until you tell me to. You unzip your pants and place your cock in my mouth, my head is angled to allow it to slide directly down my throat. As I begin to suck and lick your cock, you pick up the riding crop and tell me to keep my legs spread open. I hear the crop swish through the air, you push your cock deeper into my mouth as the leather tongue of the crop lands on my clit. Involuntarily, my hips buck and my legs jerk closed. You tell me that if I do not keep my legs open, you will have to tie me down and punish me with the whip, I spread my legs again and brace myself. You continue to push your cock into my mouth and to whip my clit with the crop. The lips of my cunt and my clit are becoming red and swollen, but I am also so wet that my juices are soaking the bed underneath me. Your cock in my mouth has muffled any screams that I tried to utter. I am hungrily sucking your cock, I need it, I want it inside me, I am wet and horny and I need your cock inside of my swollen cunt. Your cock is hard and throbbing, I know you need me too. You pull your cock from my mouth and push me to the center of the bed. You quickly strip out of your clothes, but before you mount me, you bring your mouth to my clit. You taste and explore the results of your harsh attention. As you lick and suck it into your mouth, a moan escapes from my lips and my hips shift with my rising orgasm. You bring me right to the edge and then bite down on my clit to take me over the precipice. I scream out from the combination of pain and pleasure and while my cunt is arched up to meet you and pulsing with my climax, you slide up to drive your cock deep inside me.

"Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies."
~ Socrates

Content and Comfort

Originally posted on December 28, 2007. Retrieved from the Way Back Machine archives, December 1, 2008.

Yesterday, my patience and forbearance were rewarded with a wonderful day of intense play and spending time together. Today, I am happy and content, though also bruised and sore. I will post briefly about it now, with more to come later. I am still a little foggy about our morning play, I will say it involved a good over-the-knee spanking session, my introduction to a new set of cuffs, breast bondage, a couple of flogging sessions, and some strokes from the riding crop and a wooden bath brush. He also brought the nipple clamps I like. Oh, I don't want to forget to mention, I finally did get to cum, a lot, and He permitted me to suck His cock, which I love.

When we took a break, He generously treated me to lunch at Applebee's. The only requirement was that I had to wear my new Butterfly wireless vibe and He took possession of the remote control. This truly seems to be one of His new favorite playthings. He enjoyed turning it on and off at some of the most inopportune times, culminating with me having an orgasm in the middle of a crowded restaurant, during their lunch rush. Though I did my best to contain myself, in order to avoid repeating the scene from "When Harry Met Sally."

I am now happy and content, as He knows what I need and He knows who I am. He knows my need to submit and my need for the intensity of pain. My thoughts are filled with the results of a very full and intense day. I will post later with more details. It was wonderful just being His pet and being His slut, all in the same day.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you into something else is the greatest accomplishment."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Slave vs Submissive

Originally posted on November 18, 2007. Retrieved from Way Back Machine archives.

Recently, I was asked a question about my Master. I tried to explain that He wasn't my Master, ours is a Dominant/submissive relationship not a Master/slave relationship. It occurred to me that many people (both those in the lifestyle, and especially those who are not) do not differentiate between the two. Yet, I recognize a big difference. He has told me, "you are not a slave, you are my pet." I never considered myself a slave, that is not a desire for me. I have however, completely surrendered to Him in my submission. I believe I no longer hold any limits regarding which requests of His I would acquiesce to. I began thinking about the similarities and the differences and how people define themselves. Before I get into my thoughts on this, I want to emphasize that these are only my thoughts, many definitions are available, but that is not what I am trying to provide here.

My submission satisfies a need that is inside me. My need to surrender my body, my mind, and my will to another. This need could not be satisfied by just anyone. He has put great effort into dominating me. He has explored my mind, my thoughts, my needs and He has exerted His control over me accordingly. He has led me to want to submit, that desire has become a need to surrender to Him. This journey has been much more psychological than physical. He knows me, His knowledge of me sometimes exceeds my knowledge of myself. He recognizes my needs and my desires, He pushes my limits and plants seeds of thought in my mind. As I consider those thoughts, they become desires, they become possible. I am not His slave, I am not owned. Every interaction we have is a choice for me. I choose if I will submit to His control, follow His lead, allow His use. My choice has always been to submit to Him. I cannot imagine withdrawing my submission, but it is always a option. My submission originates out of strength and control, I am strong enough to control my own actions and will. By mastering that control, I can give myself, body and mind, to Him. What does that mean in my D/s relationship? I suppose it means that I am my own master, and by being so, I can surrender to His dominance. My submission is not a gift that I give to Him, it is a need that He meets for me. It allows me the freedom of choosing to relinquish my control in one area of my life. My obedience is not a result of fear. It is a result of my desire to please Him. He does not own me, but I belong to Him.

I have read many posts and articles on the aspects of being a slave. Some sound very much like my role as a submissive, others describe a role that is completely without choice. The majority seem to be completely under someones control, they may be be controlled in every way. Their Master may dictate the food they eat, where and when they sleep, even when they may use the bathroom. They have also surrendered, but not out of strength, their surrender is born out of powerlessness. Their will has been usurped. I am not implying that theirs is not a consensual relationship. They have consented to this control, but beyond that, they have been broken, in order to remove any desire to choose. Often, they do not even have the choice to end the relationship, they must rely on their Master to tell them when and if their life will ever be their own again. They may face punishment or retribution if they do not perform and obey to their Master's specifications. Their submission is based on avoidance of reprisal and chastisement. They are owned. This may also meet a need in a slave. She may find the situation freeing. She has no choice, no will. Everything, even her daily needs are dictated to her. She is free from any decision making. Her only role is to serve her Master.

Cyberian at The Common Sense-ual Dominant has written a couple of posts on the contrasts between the slave and the submissive. He does an excellent job in defining the differences. In the first post What is a Woman? he uses song lyrics to demonstrate the difference:

“Born a Woman”
It makes no difference if you're rich or poor
Or if you're smart or dumb ....
A woman's place in this old world
Is under some man's thumb
And if you're born a woman
You're born to be hurt
You're born to be stepped on, lied to, cheated on
And treated like dirt
Ah if you're born a woman
You're born to be hurt
A woman's lot is to give and give
And go on giving
A woman's got to love and lose
And go on living
Well I was born a woman
I didn't have no say
And when my man finally comes home
He makes me glad it happened that way
Because to be his woman
No price is too great to pay
Yes I was born a woman
I'm glad it happened that way ...

Bet you didn’t see that ending coming, did you? I can’t think of a more concise definition than that for the title of “slave”. But a “slave” is not the same as a “submissive”. While you read the lyrics to Reddy’s anthem, you’ll note her anti-slavery tone. But read between the lines and you’ll realize that there’s nothing incompatible here with the character of a submissive.

“I Am Woman” (excerpt)
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman

In his post Bend vs Break he writes: Now, some people in this lifestyle feel that Master, slave, Dominant, submissive, are just labels that mean little to one who is living the lifestyle. And Newbies tend to use the terms 'slave' and 'submissive' interchangeably, but this does a disservice to people who identify with one or the other. And most of the people who are looking for partners on this site are very clear about who they are, even if they mix up the terminology: 'I may be a slave, but I'm not going to jump at your every command!' "Independent slave" is an oxymoron! You're a sub, girl.

The difference is found in the will. The training from a Master breaks the will of his slave, whereas a Dominant bends the will of his sub.

I will admit, that there are varying degrees of control over both submissives and slaves, depending on each individual relationship. I have taken a look at the extreme. The important thing for either is whether the relationship meets the needs of both parties involved and whether the relationship is consensual.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality, the touchstone, my command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically, but as a woman, oh God, as a woman, I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
~ Anais Nin

exploring the recesses of my mind - Part 2

This is part two of a story I wrote for J. I retrieved it from the archives of my deleted blog that I found at Way Back Machine. Unfortunately, part one is not available. This was originally posted on November 1, 2007.

The sweetness and heat of her cunt in my face and probing of her mouth and tongue on my clit and my cunt excites me and makes me feel connected to her. I feel the weight and softness of her body laying on me, moving in reaction to the pain from the spanking and the pleasure from my mouth on her. I feel, taste, and smell her excitement increasing with the sensations she is experiencing. It increases my desire to give her a release, I want to feel her cum on my face. I reach up around her hips and hug her tightly to me, her belly is pressed to my tits, her movements have made my nipples hard. I hold her firmly and snugly against me, intensifying my assault on her clit. I bury my face into her, licking and sucking at her harder, I can feel each smack on her ass vibrating through her to my mouth. Her body is writhing and rocking against me, I know she is very close. I gently take her clit in my teeth, licking it at the same time. I can hear her whimper and moan, it makes me want her more. He hears it too and increases the force and cadence of His strokes on her ass. Her clit is hard and her juices are flowing to me, I feel her body tense even more. She is squirming, trying to slightly pull her hips away from me, but I pull her down firmly. Holding her securely, my mouth is unyielding, she concurrently cries out and grinds against me. I continue to lick and suck as her cunt pulses on my mouth. I experience her orgasm as her body heaves and shudders against mine. We are joined by the waves of her climax. As her convulsing gives way to trembling, I loosen my grip and she slowly slides off of me. She lays on the bed, spent and breathing hard, I turn to lay next to her. I hug her to me and kiss her mouth, we taste each other on our mouths. My hand slides around to her ass, she flinches a little as I stroke across the welts and redness left by His hand.

He is standing over us, smiling, His hand joins mine on her ass. He lowers himself to the bed beside her. The three of us conjoined by forbidden desires. He reaches across her to stroke and paw at my breasts. I am overcome with an intense devotion and hunger for Him. I reach for His cock, it is hard and erect, I want it in my mouth. I move to take His cock in my mouth, she slides out from between us, to kneel between His thighs. I lower my mouth to engulf His erection, she caresses His balls and licks up His shaft to my mouth. He watches as we work in unison. Licking and mouthing His cock, our lips and tongues meeting, alternating our worship of Him with our kissing each other. His cock is swollen and throbbing, I have never needed it so much. She moves to the side, so I can straddle Him, I lower my cunt to His cock, as she grasps His shaft to guide it inside me. He watches while I ride His cock, rocking and thrusting. She leans over to me, kissing me as she grasps my breast. She rolls my nipple between her finger and thumb. I reach for her clit and find His hand already there. Together, we caress her, I am rubbing her clit, He is thrusting His fingers in her hot cunt. Her other hand finds my clit, rubbing it in rhythm with my thrusts on His cock. I can't hold back, my orgasm impales me onto His cock. I arch and cry out, He groans and I feel His cock pumping His cum inside of me. My cunt is filled and throbbing. I am held upright by her embrace. Still trembling, I feel His cock slide out of my cunt. I begin shivering, I feel like a current is coursing through my body. As she releases her grip on me, she pulls my head down and together, we lick His cock clean, lapping my juices and His cum from it.

"The Edge...there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who know where it is are the ones who have gone over it."~ Hunter S. Thompson

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Final Note and a New Blog

I am writing this post as an explanation of my impetuous behavior that led to deleting my original blog. Since my last divorce, I have said that I would never marry again. I was not in any relationship for a very long time. until I met J. At that time I was not looking for an exclusive relationship. My relationship with J. had progressed quickly (though not too quickly) and had fulfilled me and met needs in me in a way I had not known before. There were limitations on what our relationship could be, but I was fine with those limitations. I had a long term plan for my life, I was taking steps to meet my goals and make that plan a reality. I was happy and content with my life and our relationship. I belonged to Him, I wanted to belong to Him. Ours was a D/s relationship, but it was more than that. He was a close and trusted friend. He was caring and protective of me, to a greater degree than I had ever known. I trusted Him completely. In retrospect, I don't know why I would have ever chosen anything else.

There were other factors though. The stress in my life was building, cost of living outpacing my income. My son being out of work and trying to help him financially, leaving my own bills unpaid. Working full time and finishing school. A never ending string of car problems and repairs. Constant jabs and slights from my older, but less than stable sister. Another man, that I regarded as a friend and mentor, an advisor, but who was wanting more in a relationship with me. It was that last factor that became a tipping point for me. It became a sudden presence in my life. Promises of something easier, something better, more stability. Offers of support, financial and otherwise, while I finished school. A voice telling me that I needed to get away, remove myself from some of the stresses. Being told I was needed, as well as what I needed. I had worked so hard to be independent and strong, but a series of events made me doubt my strength and independence. I succumbed to the promises and the pressure. I told J. that I had to see if I could make things work in a new relationship, I had to explore the possibilities. I should have discussed it with Him, I should have allowed Him to be my voice of reason. Instead I pulled away and cut things off, I knew I would not be able to give Him up if I talked about it or thought about it too long. He was kind and gracious and understanding, He allowed me space, but left the door open.

Not even a month has passed, I needed Him, I missed Him, I came back to Him. In the interim, I acted impulsively. I tried to erase that part of my life in an attempt to deny how much I needed it. That was why I deleted the blog. It was my testament, my record of how important and vital He was to me. I left a loving and caring Dominant, for someone who has turned out to be more controlling than dominant. Someone, who did not really know me, who did not understand me. I have always said that I was not good at relationships, that is not true. I am not good at vanilla relationships, I need to submit, I want to be His pet. With J, my submission came easily, the trust was there, He layed the groundwork, He knew me and understood me, better than anyone else. Even when I tried to deny that, I knew in my heart where I belonged. I belonged with Him, I belonged to Him. I am back, for as long as He will have me, I am His.

I have been able to step back, clear my head and come to my senses. The loss of my blog is a big regret, I have reposted as much as I could, the rest is lost. For myself and for Him, I wanted to try and recreate what I could. I am not sure what I will do with this blog now. Maybe just let it be a reminder to me of when I veered off of my path. Rather than continue here, I have created a new blog. It is the next chapter, it represents a new beginning, a recommitment to to Him and to my plans. I know there are things I want to do and accomplish, things that are very important to me. He is also very important to me, I want to always share some element of my life with Him, whether that be as a friend or a pet or both. The link to the new blog is here, it is my intention for now, to continue posting there.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Blog resurrected

I previously created this blog under the name of Lola. A little less than a month ago, during a personal crisis of sorts, I deleted my profile and the blog. Having found my way again and my sanity, I also faced regret at the loss of my journal. While I do not have copies of all of my posts, I will try and recreate as much as I can. My apologies also to J. The original Growth and Decline was as much a gift to Him as it was a reflection of me.