Final Note and a New Blog

I am writing this post as an explanation of my impetuous behavior that led to deleting my original blog. Since my last divorce, I have said that I would never marry again. I was not in any relationship for a very long time. until I met J. At that time I was not looking for an exclusive relationship. My relationship with J. had progressed quickly (though not too quickly) and had fulfilled me and met needs in me in a way I had not known before. There were limitations on what our relationship could be, but I was fine with those limitations. I had a long term plan for my life, I was taking steps to meet my goals and make that plan a reality. I was happy and content with my life and our relationship. I belonged to Him, I wanted to belong to Him. Ours was a D/s relationship, but it was more than that. He was a close and trusted friend. He was caring and protective of me, to a greater degree than I had ever known. I trusted Him completely. In retrospect, I don't know why I would have ever chosen anything else.

There were other factors though. The stress in my life was building, cost of living outpacing my income. My son being out of work and trying to help him financially, leaving my own bills unpaid. Working full time and finishing school. A never ending string of car problems and repairs. Constant jabs and slights from my older, but less than stable sister. Another man, that I regarded as a friend and mentor, an advisor, but who was wanting more in a relationship with me. It was that last factor that became a tipping point for me. It became a sudden presence in my life. Promises of something easier, something better, more stability. Offers of support, financial and otherwise, while I finished school. A voice telling me that I needed to get away, remove myself from some of the stresses. Being told I was needed, as well as what I needed. I had worked so hard to be independent and strong, but a series of events made me doubt my strength and independence. I succumbed to the promises and the pressure. I told J. that I had to see if I could make things work in a new relationship, I had to explore the possibilities. I should have discussed it with Him, I should have allowed Him to be my voice of reason. Instead I pulled away and cut things off, I knew I would not be able to give Him up if I talked about it or thought about it too long. He was kind and gracious and understanding, He allowed me space, but left the door open.

Not even a month has passed, I needed Him, I missed Him, I came back to Him. In the interim, I acted impulsively. I tried to erase that part of my life in an attempt to deny how much I needed it. That was why I deleted the blog. It was my testament, my record of how important and vital He was to me. I left a loving and caring Dominant, for someone who has turned out to be more controlling than dominant. Someone, who did not really know me, who did not understand me. I have always said that I was not good at relationships, that is not true. I am not good at vanilla relationships, I need to submit, I want to be His pet. With J, my submission came easily, the trust was there, He layed the groundwork, He knew me and understood me, better than anyone else. Even when I tried to deny that, I knew in my heart where I belonged. I belonged with Him, I belonged to Him. I am back, for as long as He will have me, I am His.

I have been able to step back, clear my head and come to my senses. The loss of my blog is a big regret, I have reposted as much as I could, the rest is lost. For myself and for Him, I wanted to try and recreate what I could. I am not sure what I will do with this blog now. Maybe just let it be a reminder to me of when I veered off of my path. Rather than continue here, I have created a new blog. It is the next chapter, it represents a new beginning, a recommitment to to Him and to my plans. I know there are things I want to do and accomplish, things that are very important to me. He is also very important to me, I want to always share some element of my life with Him, whether that be as a friend or a pet or both. The link to the new blog is here, it is my intention for now, to continue posting there.