Destiny

It is my destiny to submit. Submission is something that I have long desired, I just never could quite define that desire. As a teenager and a young adult, I did not know what D/s or submission was. I just knew that I longed to surrender some aspect of myself to another. The thought of being held down and taken sexually was exciting. I knew it wasn't a rape fantasy, I knew that I would not resist, but I did not know how to express that to anyone. And spanking...I fantasized about spanking. Where did that even come from, I was rarely spanked as a child. During that time of my life, I was probably sexually promiscuous, at least by polite society's standards. Despite the number of sexual encounters I had, I knew there was something more I needed.

Just recently have I discovered that submitting is more than a desire. It is something that I need to do. It completes me, it makes me happy and content. It is a component of who I am. I cannot imagine being happy in the context of a vanilla relationship again. The further I explore my submissive side, the more I am able to surrender, the more centered I become. I do not desire to become a slave, or engage in a 24/7, D/s relationship. I have plans, goals that are important to me, that I am not willing to forgo. I also have realized that I want more than play scenarios to meet my submissive needs. I need the relationship part of it, the "knowing" of me, the psychological aspect. I do not think I could casually submit to just anyone. I need someone to explore my mind and emotions in order to gain my submission. Without the psychological component, I think I am too strong willed to yield control to another.

While this is about relationship, because without the relationship this is impossible, it is more about me. It is about satisfying my need for surrender, about finding this balance that has been missing in my life. It is strange to think of complete submission and surrender as a selfish act, but in a way it is. Maybe not a selfish act, but certainly not selfless. I appreciate and admire his dominance. I know that to dominate someone, and accept their submission, requires much thought, responsibility, and work. His responsibility is far greater than mine. He has been very careful to know me, care for me, and ensure my safety. He has accepted responsibility for my physical and my emotional well being. My trust in him is complete and without question. He has earned and inspired that trust. My complete emotional and physical surrender to him seems a small thing in return.

"The longest journey is the journey inwards. Of him who has chosen his destiny, who has started upon his quest for the source of his being."
~Dag Hammarskjold