My Journey - Part 2

At the outset of this relationship, I was not in the mind of pursuing a D/s relationship. Respect and trust were developed, mutual interests were discussed (of a non-sexual nature), and shared kinks were talked about. I acknowledged a submissive side, we both found OTK spanking to be a turn on, we both stated an interest in a D/s dynamic. I expected to play with being submissive, to incorporate things into foreplay and sex, but complete submission was never something I considered. I did not yet realize my basic need to submit. I had never had a relationship with someone who knew how to be truly dominant.

As things progressed, he led me to allow him to know me, thoroughly and intimately. His insight and intuition concerning me was amazing. I do not think anyone has ever known me or understood me that well, nor has anyone else ever made the effort to do so. I sometimes felt he could read my mind, or see into my soul. The more intensely he knew me, the more I felt compelled to share with him. I told him of my past, my abuse, my fears, things that no one else knew. He made me feel safe, cared for, and submissive. The more submissive I became, the more I wanted to surrender to him. I also began to change, even others noticed; I was happier, more relaxed, less stressed. I had stated my limits to him early in the relationship. He was respectful of them, but also told me that he would push some of them. His pushing of those limits has never been more than suggesting things and discussing them. However, those communications have left me challenging my own limits. Close examination has shown me that most of my limits are a result of my past abuse. I feel that by having those limits in place, I have allowed my abuser to keep a measure of control over me. I feel this way, because that past abuse still controls my actions and decisions.

My submission and surrender has become a therapy of sorts. By challenging and crossing those limits that result from my abuse, I am moving past that abuse. This is not a method that I would recommend to anyone else, but to me it is cathartic. To engage in some of these activities, with someone that I know cares for me and will keep me safe at all costs, will enable me to overcome the fear and the feelings of shame. I trust him to keep me safer than I could myself. I trust him to know what I need and what I am ready for. He has had to urge caution at times and to remind me of the need to take things slowly. I have tended to push ahead too quickly because this has been so freeing for me.

One of the first things he addressed was my resistance to crying. I hate to cry. I do not want anyone to see my vulnerability. I want to be the strong one. I get mad at myself when I cry. I am afraid that if I begin to cry, I will not be able to stop. There are a lot of suppressed tears inside of me. He has mentioned that I am safe to cry in front of him and that we would work on it eventually. My original reaction was complete resistance, then as I pondered it I realized he was right. I did not know how to cross this limit, my suppression of crying is deeply ingrained. My reaction now is to ask him to spank me, hard and past my limits. Spank me until I cry, I want him to spank me into submission, past the point of resistance. Then he will have to hold me until I am done. For as long as it takes to get it all out. Does the prospect scare me? Absolutely. I do not fear the anticipation of the pain, but the expectation of tears terrifies me. Yet I know it is something I need.
"Pain is only weakness leaving your body, so don't give up because it hurts...keep going because it makes you stronger." ~Brandon Moore