My Journey into Submission - Part 1

I am a strong assertive, confident woman. I pride myself on having well thought out, rational, fact based, defendable opinions and beliefs. Though I try to be respectful of others and their opinions and beliefs, I am quick to debate and slow to back down. I try to maintain a high level of control in my life and over my actions. I do not like to rely on others, my independence and self reliance are extremely important to me. I struggle with displaying vulnerability or humility. I am quick to come to the aid of others, but I find it next to impossible to ask for or accept help from others. I am a private person, I keep my struggles and my pain within myself. It is not that I do not want to impose, it is just that I have to carefully guard those chinks in my own armor. I hate to cry, I view crying as a sign of weakness and refuse to let others see that weakness. I hate to fail. I am a perfectionist, which more often tends to paralyze me for fear of failure and causes me to procrastinate. Despite my excuses ("I work better under pressure, I do not need the help of others, I am protecting myself, everyone has a hidden agenda."), I realize that my independence is often more of a weakness than a strength.

I have not always been this way. Events in my past have served as a catalyst for me to put up walls and trust only myself. I have been married and divorced twice. Though, these were vastly different experiences, the result was the same, I failed. The failure of these marriages were not all my fault, but I recognize my part in it. Many reasons contributed to my divorces, but that is not the purpose of my post today. I will address issues from my second marriage, he was an abuser. He was also a drug addict, a con man, and a socio-path. I do accept my part in all of it, my part was in making piss poor choices to begin with. I chose to be with him, I chose to overlook things, I chose to think that he could change. But in the end, I chose to get out and never allow myself to be that vulnerable again. He was not a wife beater, he did not hit or punch. Instead it was primarily psychological, though physical force did play a role in the end. I was driven to self doubt, to question my value, to accept blame that was not mine to own. The abuse escalated to domestic rape, he subdued me at knife point, through choking, and through physical strength. He forced me to participate in things that were meant to cause me humiliation and degradation. I did not choose to leave until the abuse began to transfer to my son. My eventual departure led me to become fiercely independent. I was never going to allow myself to depend on someone else. I vowed to curtail any vulnerability that would allow someone else to gain the upper hand. In short, I did not want to ever need anyone else again.

What does that have to do with my submission? A hell of a lot. I have always had a submissive side to me, I have to acknowledge that it may have even played a role in my abuse. I have always been attracted to men with strong personalities, men that knew what they wanted and what they wanted was control. I have always desired to be 'taken in hand'. I want to be led, to be guided. I need to submit. My submission completes me, it balances me, it allows me to be vulnerable and to break free of constraints that limit me. My personal growth depends on my submission. After my abuse, I denied my submissive side and needs for a long time, but that need did not go away. All of my previous relationships have been vanilla, though I dabbled in D/s in the context of some of these relationships, it was more of foreplay, role-playing, not true submission. None of the men in my past were Doms. The psychological side was never there. (Abuse is not dominance, so I do not consider that.) I did not realize that I craved to be dominated psychologically. To be led to submit, to surrender fully. To be allowed to give myself to someone else, to choose to offer my complete surrender. To be able to rest in the strength that I relinquished and in the strength that he offers me. I needed to allow someone complete knowledge of me, to have them know me so well, that they know what I need, more than I know myself.

For the first time in my life, I am fulfilling that need. I have found someone who understands my need to submit, to surrender. Someone who is worthy of my trust and vulnerability. Someone who can lead me, can take me in hand, who can dominate me. He has not only accepted my submission, but the responsibility that goes with it. I know he will use it to keep me safe, to help me grow, and to push through my limits. The choice rests with me and I have chosen to give myself to him. To give myself physically, sexually, and psychologically, in order that I may fulfill my need and achieve my potential.

"None are more hopelessly enslaved, than those who falsely believe they are free."
~ Johann W. von Goethe